In the past I've struggled with responding to the question, "How many kids do you have?" After the accident, that question seemed to pop up everywhere I went. I was emotional and cried nearly every time somebody asked it. For a long time, I tried answering it in different ways, always hoping to find an easier way to explain. But I never did.
For example, I still remember being asked,
"When are you due?" Me: "June 30th." "Is this your first?" I was so sick and tired of this scenario and crying in public, that I mumbled a quick "yes," hoping the conversation would come to an end. I immediately felt so guilty for not mentioning Preslee that I started crying before I walked out the door. The tears continued to flow for the rest of the night. I knew from that moment on, I would never use that answer again.
One of the reasons I hated that question was because of the reactions I would get after explaining Preslee had passed away. Every single person would automatically get a horrified look on their face, and then respond one of two ways.
1. Go completely silent, never saying another word to me. 2. Begin asking all sorts of questions about Preslee and the accident.
Both responses were extremely awkward/difficult.
Before long, I avoided any type of conversation that I could.
Then Ledger was born, and recently I noticed those awkward conversations rarely happen anymore. Now, when I'm asked, "Is he your first?" I don't hesitate to explain he's my second, and my oldest passed away. The horrific look on their face follows, and then they usually being talking a million mph about Ledger, and I rarely can get another word in.
It happens almost every.single.time.
And yesterday when it happened, I couldn't help but smile, because while the lady was telling me how cute my kid was, and going on about this and that, (rambling a million mph) I was grateful Ledger was there to help make the situation easier.
And throughout the rest of the day, I couldn't help but think of the different little ways Ledger has helped us progress within in our grief.
Pat and I can once again talk about our child without people feeling awkward.
I no longer dread being home, because we have a constant sidekick again.
Instead of avoiding the baby section like the plague, we get to shop there again.
Still hoping one day it will be easier to look at girls clothes.
I feel like a mom again doing basic every day chores that I once drastically missed.
And we love eating at the table again, because meal time is an adventure.
Aren't we blessed?
We are so grateful to have this little guy in our family.
Love you Ledger.
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