throwing it out there

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I had to take Terry to the ER on Sat night.  As we were walking into a store he was bit on his left butt cheek by a bug or stung by something.  At the back of the store I finally convince him to show me the site and, lo and behold, he had a big red hive about the size of my palm.  Personally I think he's just allergic to shopping.

Nurse that I am I checked on it regularly and it doubled in size over the next couple of hours.  I'm not familiar enough with the bugs in AZ to know if it was a normal reaction but because I'm that nurse, because he kept complaining about the burning and pain, because it isn't like Terry to offer to go to the ER [not even when he set himself on fire or had the heart attack] and because it was the weekend we headed in.  The doc diagnosed it as a bug bite [duh] and prescribed antibiotics.

Today there is a faint pink spot where the hive was and he says it feels fine.  Wish I could say the same.

I made Terry his favorite lunch yesterday [pot roast] because I feel so badly about the pissiness I feel inside.  Lord.  You'd think he had broken his arm.  Phone calls and texts from friends and family.  Followup phone calls to see how he's doing.  Alllllll frickin weekend.  Let me preface this by saying I know it's petty and bitchy of me to say - big deal.  I have welts from Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun and today's injection.  Today's is the size of my whole hand and Thursday's is the size of a small egg.  Today's hurts like a son of a gun and Thursday's is just tender. The ones in-between are in-between.  No phone calls or texts to see how mine are doing.  Like I said - petty and bitchy.

I'm really glad his butt is better.  I'm glad it wasn't serious.  I'm glad he has family and friends who care.  I'm also glad he's stopped complaining about it and they have stopped calling.

Besides putting it out on this post and talking about it with my best friend I've kept it to myself.  Not a very pretty part of me I want anyone else to see.   Ella tried to put it in perspective - the bug bite was unexpected and it frightened him.  Uh huh.  Yeah.  Guess what - every single injection is a reminder and a surprise that I have MS.  Every injection makes it real.  Talk about unexpected - who EVER expects that they will have MS?  That slap-in-the-face, 'you're shittin me!' feeling is there everyday and magnified when I have to stick that needle into my skin.  I still get pissed everyday that a medication that costs $3700 a month can't have a penny worth of lidocaine to make it more tolerable.  I am defiantly not injecting my arms this summer because I don't want to have to explain the bruises.  I don't care that it's a rule.  I'm not doing it.

Oh.  I'll stop whining now.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself and a little jeaous that Terry's biggest problem was a bug bite on his ass.  More jealous that he had family and friends who showed their concern.  When it comes right down to it I don't want people to make a big deal or bring up the MS anyway.  You can't win for losing around me when it comes to the MS.

Here's the thing I'm learning - I have to let stuff out and not fester.  Admitting feelings and working thru them is part of my therapy.  As badly as I feel about admitting my pettiness, NOT admitting what IS there does not set it free.

I feel better now.
I'm going to go bake him brownies.