Embarrassed.
That I keep going to doctors for symptoms that I know sound crazy. Any idea how stupid I felt trying to explain this pain to the dentist? I was well aware that it didn't make sense that cold and heat didn't make the tooth hurt more. Well aware that trigeminal neuralgia usually is triggered by touching the face and not the inner mandible. Well aware. For Pete's sake I'm a nurse. Do you think I'm doing this for fun? For attention? 4 doctor visits, 1 ER visit, 1 pain specialist, 1dentist and 1 neurologist in 8 weeks. 8 physical therapy appointments. 1 chiropractor and 3 [therapy] massages on my neck/shoulder. Embarrassed to tears when I think of it. Frequently.
Frustrated.
That I have to fake feeling ok enough to work when I just want to crawl up on one of those gurneys and have someone figure MY stuff out. Knowing that my frustration is impeding my ability to explain my symptoms in a more rationale way. Frustrated at the sheer dollars I'm having to throw at this with the hope of being able to just feel 'better'. I've already lost the hope this is going to go away.
Hopeless.
'Nuf said.
Angry.
Angry that I have MS. Angry that I am angry about it. Angry at myself for being angry when I see the '60 mile for Breast Walk' ad on TV and I have to hold onto walls to get across the room. "If I can do it you can do it" ??? Kiss my ass. Angry that I have to fake feeling ok until I make it thru to the end of my shift to check in as a patient.
Lonely.
I miss my Roxy. Yes, I know she died 4 years ago but I know she'd be sitting here at my side thru all this shit and I know I'd feel better because of it. Best dog. Ever. I miss my daughter and son and grandkids. We're flying back this week [I have a deposition at one of the hospitals I worked at] but I don't want them to see me like . . .this. And I can't cancel because of the deposition otherwise I would despite missing them soooo much.
Mortified
I had to ask my daughter-in-law today to explain to Seth and Miles about the cane. Sigh. Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine with it and I'm sure we'll get stickers and decorate it and things will be great, but for the moment? Mortified. Part of it is realizing that they will be following my lead with it so I sure as hell better get my shit together in short order. And just writing this helps because I know it will be my favorite cane ever. It just makes it more . . .real.
Mad.
I'm mad at God. There. I've said it.
Mad that it took 5 sticks to get an IV yesterday and that they hurt. Mad that 5 yesterday probably means 7 today and more tomorrow as they've used the best spots. Mad that I have bruises up and down my arm and look like an f'ing drug addict. Not to mention the bruises and welts from the Copaxone on my arms and legs. What if I hadn't trusted my own instinct? It would have been a tooth extraction or root canal. A crown or a bridge. Epidural injections [which would have brought on it's own risks] Unbelievably Mad that the professionals I'm supposed to trust don't know SHIT about MS. And feeling Mad in a totally 'crazy I'm losing my shit' sort of way. Arrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!
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