A new tact

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"If you do what you always did you'll get what you always got"
James Shaw [my dad]

It's time to try something new.

Last fall, after months of feeling tired and teary my doctor decided I needed an antidepressant.  I was better.  And then not.  And then better. Then not.   A diagnosis of the MS was thrown into the mix and then an exacerbation. High dose steroids.  Bronchitis.  The holidays.  An exacerbation in the form of trigeminal neuralgia.  More high dose steroids. More trigeminal neuralgia. Another mediation to the regime.  Through out it all - fatigue.  Fatigue that was immobilizing  and I'm tired of being tired. It was a bit of 'the chicken and the egg', which was first?  What was the MS and what was depression?  Or was it all MS? 
Hindsight is 20/20.

I'm not good at remembering my meds.  That's good news because I starting noticing  the day after I forgot it I was less tired.   So I started taking 1/2 a pill.  Less tired.  And when I forgot that 1/2 pill much less tired.  I'm done with it.  It's nice to be able to take a shower in the morning AND do something else. There were days [many] that I sat in my chair all day and tried to shower before Terry came home.  Some days that was the only thing I accomplished.  Some days [many] I didn't even accomplish that. 
There's this 'thing' with high dose steroids called 'steroid psychosis'. Not fun.  Ask Terry.  Honestly it was worse for him than for me.  I was a royal bitch.  If I'd had a crown I would have used it to stab someone.  Nothing made me happy and nothing happened as quickly as I expected it to.  I was miserable.  Example - the night was too long.  Like anyone could change that for me but it was toooooo long.  I was hot . . and then I was cold.  The sheets were too heavy.  I was craaazy hungry but nothing tasted right. No amount of ice made my iced tea cold enough. Not everyone gets it but everyone getting the high dose steroids is at risk.  Having had it means I'm likely to have it again.  Oh joy. Hanging over my head is if I have another exacerbation this year instead of having 1 gram of solumedrol every day for 3 days it will either be 1 gram a day for 5 days or 2 1/2 grams a day for 3 days.  Kinda scarey.  For me AND for poor Terry.  The point?  Having that hanging out there AND having the fatigue was overwhelming.  If that is my life then what is the point.  Statement, not a question.  Something had to change.

Things are better.  I feel infinitely better off that med. I'm not used to keeping the TV on but it's on in the background now.  When I drive somewhere the radio is on.  It's time to spend less time thinking and that's ok.  No more solitary confinement.  I planted my garden bit by bit during the fatigue.  It's a great garden and it makes me really happy.  Not a weed in sight.  I used a sharpie on flat stones and made plant markers.  I love how it looks.  I ate salad from that garden last night and have plans in place for a gift project with my lavender growing there. I'm working on a quilt. I'm painting the inside of the garage next week  [and much to Terry's dismay 'decorating' the inside of the garage.  Oh the plans in place!]  and am going to Vegas this weekend.  This morning [it's not even 9am] I've run errands, moved all the furniture out of the kitchen/family room and have scrubbed/stripped the wood floor in preparation for waxing it.  All this morning.  I'm going to take a break before I wax it but I'll probably shower during that break.  This is nothing short of miraculous.


"When a train goes through tunnel and it gets dark you don't throw away the ticket and jump off."